The End
by siriusismyhero
Summary: After Severus' betrayal, Lily tries to keep herself together. Lily's POV of the "Snape's Worst Memory" chapter from OotP.


**The End**

"_I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"_

_Lily blinked. _

"_Fine," she said coolly. "I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, _Snivellus_."_

"_Apologize to Evans!" James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him._

"_I don't want _you_ to make him apologize," Lily shouted, rounding on James. "You're as bad as he is."_

"_What?" yelped James. "I'd NEVER call you a - you-know-what!"_

"_Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."_

_She turned on her heel and hurried away._

- OotP, p. 571

It had felt good to shout at Potter. Ever since the first time he tried to persuade her to go to Hogsmeade with him, she had wanted to tell him just how disgusted she was with him, but she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. It was pathetic.

She could hear him shouting after her. She didn't turn back. She found her way to the friends she had been sitting with at the lake earlier and together they made their way back to the lake, where Lily's shoes and socks were still sitting. Marlene kept casting worried glances at her, but Lily ignored them. "So!" Saryna said cheerily. "Who's ready to go and study some Transfiguration?"

Alice and Marlene groaned. Lily was just amazed that Saryna didn't start gloating, proclaiming for the rest of the school to hear, "I told you so!" Saryna had never been a fan of Severus. Well, none of them had been, really, but Saryna had been the least tolerant. No, instead, she chuckled gleefully at Alice and Marlene's groaning; Saryna was brilliant at Transfiguration, it was her best subject. And that was saying something, as she was just generally quite brilliant. The only class Lily could trump her in was Potions, which Saryna honestly didn't mind. She was the kind of girl who could have been in Ravenclaw because of her intelligence, but she didn't like to flaunt it. Usually. Today apparently seemed to be one of the exceptions, unless she was just trying to torture them with the possibility of failing an O.W.L., or perhaps she was just trying to keep the subject away from what had just happened with Severus and Potter. Though that was unlikely.

"I vote we stay outdoors." Alice said, plopping down on the grass again and staring at the lake longingly.

Marlene shook her head quickly. Her face had paled slightly. "I need all the practice I can get. I _still_ can't transfigure a raven into a writing desk!"

"Saryna's about the only one who can do that." Lily pointed out.

"But I've been trying for months! Months!"

Marlene's voice had gotten desperate. At any moment, Lily predicted tears would be gushing from her eyes. Marlene took academia very seriously, and the fact that she had been trying so hard at the writing desk transfiguration and still couldn't get it was obviously getting to her. Lily wrapped an arm consolingly around the blond. "Professor McGonagall won't test us on that. She told us it's N.E.W.T. level."

"Yeah, you have at least two years to get the writing desk transfiguration." Saryna reminded her. "Even I only did it the once."

This didn't seem to be comforting Marlene, who was biting her lip, probably to stave off the tears.

"You know, I reckon I could use some more practice anyway." Lily said, glancing at Alice imploringly.

Alice sighed. "I suppose looking over the theory wouldn't hurt, either."

They retreated up to the castle, Lily's shoes dangling off of her fingers, rather than on her feet. As they climbed up the stairs towards Gryffindor Tower Saryna asked quietly, "So did Potter ask you out again?"

Lily didn't respond right away. She struggled with what to say, and to keep the uneasiness that formed in her stomach from showing. She nodded.

Saryna laughed. "Are you _ever_ going to accept him?"

"No!" Lily snapped. "He's disgusting." She paused, fighting to keep a certain pair of dark eyes from her mind. "I'll meet you up in the Common Room, I have to use the loo."

She calmly left the stairs and turned down a side corridor before any of them could object. The loo was empty - most of the students were either outside, enjoying the sunshine, or cooped up in their Common Rooms, studying. They wouldn't be anywhere near the third floor.

She went to the sink, intending to splash cold water on her face. Instead, the sight of her reflection caused a single word to pop into her mind. _Mudblood_. She swallowed a lump that was forming in her throat. The word shouldn't affect her that way it did. It wasn't as if she was a stranger to the word being hissed at her. But it was the voice that accompanied the word, the look of hatred on Severus' face as he spat it, that hurt.

Lily sucked in a deep breath and twisted the tap on. The cold water that gushed from the pipes felt good on her fingers, on her hot face. She scrubbed at her face, trying to get rid of Severus' face from her mind, with no success.

"_I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"_

Lily closed her eyes as his words rang through her ears. "They're just words." She muttered. "Just words." But, another voice reminded her, it wasn't the words that bothered her - it was the person who had voiced them. Her closest, longest friend. He, who before they had arrived at Hogwarts, had assured her that her lack of wizarding blood didn't matter. He, to whom she had entrusted her deepest, darkest secrets. He, whom she had stuck up for and had endured teasing on behalf of for the past five years.

Her chin wobbled slightly and she bit down on her lip as Marlene had earlier. She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't.

But despite her determination, a tear leaked out from beneath her eyelid. She opened her eyes slowly, glancing at her dripping, slightly pink reflection. She watched the tear as it tracked down her cheek and as it was about to drip off of her chin, she let out a frustrated yell. She pushed herself away from the sink, brushing the tear away.

Pacing the length of the bathroom helped. At least for a few moments. She was able to concentrate on something other than Severus' betrayal. She focused on the pounding of her feet against the stone. But every time she passed the mirrors hanging in front of the sinks, every time she caught sight of her reflection, she could feel the hated word being thrown at her. She saw Severus, standing behind her, his face scrunched up in hatred as he spat the word at her. His judgmental glare pierced into her flesh. She felt useless, dirty. It used to be easy to brush off the insult, but hearing it from Severus...it made it feel true.

As this realization hit her, she lost the little control she had regained from her pacing. A strangled gasp left her mouth, which she fought to cover with her hand. She hunched over the sink; her heart seemed to be contracting. She no longer bothered to try to stem the flow of tears. Her breath came in tiny hiccoughs as Severus' treachery wrapped itself around her, suffocating her. His voice continued to echo through her mind: _Mudblood_.

A sob tore through her body, leaving her shaking and gasping. She closed her eyes again, hoping to escape the despair, but only finding Severus' beetle-black eyes to greet her. Slowly, his face flickered into focus.

Lily forced her eyes open and slowly straightened. She stared at herself in the mirror, watching herself as she hiccoughed and spluttered, as the tears dripped off of her chin. He didn't deserve her tears. He didn't deserve any of it. Slowly she raised her hands to her wet cheeks and wiped them dry. She swallowed a hiccough, and rubbed her red eyes.

It took Lily a few moments to compose herself, to make herself ready to face the world. Or at least, whoever she would encounter in the castle. Slowly, she made her way up to the Common Room, where she found Alice, Saryna and Marlene revising in various positions around the room. Saryna was helping Marlene transfigure a mouse that they must have gotten from Professor McGonagall, while Alice sat at one of the tables. Potter and Black, she noticed, were occupying the squishy arm chairs right in front of the fire.

Potter looked up when she entered the room and stood. He opened his mouth to say something, but Lily turned away from him pointedly and threw herself down into a chair across from Alice, facing away from him. Alice glanced up from her notes when Lily sat down. The other girl's eyes travelled across the room to Potter, then snapped back to Lily. They shared a long look before Alice turned back to her notes. Lily was grateful that Alice didn't remark on how long she had been gone, or how red her eyes must have been. Saryna would have. Saryna probably also would have ended the remark with an "I told you so" look - Lily had no doubt that Saryna had been gearing up for her "I told you so" tirade when she had mentioned Potter earlier. She must be longing to get it out.

Without looking up from her notes, Alice pushed her textbook towards Lily, who took it without question. She flipped to a random page and started to try to read, but it didn't keep her attention. She found herself staring out the window aimlessly, trying to decide what shapes the clouds were. It was a mark of how desperate she was to keep her mind occupied that she studied them so carefully, but somehow, Severus' face kept creeping into her mind, forcing its way onto the clouds themselves.

She ground her teeth together, but instead of avoiding the apparition as she had done in the bathroom she stared at it determinedly. "Fine," she thought coolly to the vision, echoing the words she had spoken outside earlier. This time, however, she felt their full meaning. "I won't bother in the future."


End file.
